How many of us search for acceptance in our lives? Whether through work, family, lovelife, friendship, or a multitude of other reasons, many of us are looking for acceptance for who we are. This has recently hit closer to home for me because of a betrayal of trust from someone I held very close to my heart. But for all the pain it caused, the betrayal went deeper for it showed me apart of myself that I had not seen, or perhaps, refused to see. I had, on some level, betrayed myself.
I once heard it said that the things we hate most about other people are usually things that we hate most in ourselves. Looking at the people I have chosen to keep within my nucleus of friendship, I realize that I have underestimated myself and my need for acceptance and affirmation. This is not something I admire about myself nor wish to deal with in other people. But ironically I have never noticed how much I require from the people in my life. This leads me to wonder how I became as needy as I am. Why am i so afraid that people I love will leave me? Did it spring from highschool? Grade school? My parents? I could blame a multitude of sources for a problem that, regardless from whence it came, is still an issue I must deal with and realize within myself.
To such an end, I must confess I have no idea how to accomplish such a feat. At this moment in my life I am trying to discover if there is another me that I can be.
I am experimenting with many things in my life to see what fits. It seems that for a very long time I have been too scared to try some of the things I've wanted to do. Fear of a lack of acceptance, or rejection has stopped me in my tracks too many times to count. My resolve has wavered like a mirage in the desert and like the mirage, disappeared upon getting closer to my goal (whatever it might have been at the time.)
My time is now for me. There are no distractions to put in the way in order to hide from rejection. I have been rejected by the man (perhaps boy?) i thought I loved and I have survived. I have dealt with the loss of my mother and the emptiness that goes with it and I am still surviving. I have tried to make myself a victim in one form or another and it feels false. Though I have lately been attempting to find any reason I can to avoid dealing with myself, there is no time left.
I have recently done things that the old me would not have thought of doing. Dated men I didn't know in Highschool (heaven forbid), had a fling with a man I hadn't known for very long and enjoyed it immensely for what it was, been to clubs and danced for hours without a care for how terrible i might have looked on the dance floor, had a few too many drinks and been quite thankful I had a toilet to go home to. I distinctly remember, on the night of my mothers birthday, declaring loudly to my close friends that I would never have salami and red wine together again as i was bent over the toilet at 3 in the morning evacuating said items from my stomach. Ah memories.
But I am not these actions. I am a person who has hidden from these actions
as a way to stay safe. But I must now realize that I am more than simply what I do on the weekend or what I choose to spontaneously throw myself into.
There are things I want to do. Things that are important to my growth as an individual and a step in the right direction toward accepting myself for who I am.
"I deserve, we all deserve, to be accepted for who we are and to have a person that we accept whole heartedly" Having written this recently, I think I need to modify this in regard to myself. I need to accept myself before I find a person to accept me. How can I expect another person to accept things within me that I myself will not recognize as truth? If I have learned anything from my mothers death, it is that life is far too short to make a pretense of.
[That is what is going on in my mind David. Well, at least for now and on that particular subject. Enlightenling? Disappointing? Boring?]
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1 comment:
My response - beautiful. Rich. Well observed.
And now I continue the archeology of you . . .
Why is "better" assumed to be a good or right thing? WHY must you/we get better?
More digging, new area: you are quite capable of introspective observance. What happens if you cannot accept a part of you that someone else can? What happens when your thorough honesty reveals something you can only abhor but another can ignore, turn into good, etc.? Will your need for self-acceptance stop such a love?
Observation: you have long-term friends. So wonderful. They tend to make change more difficult, though. If they are not "included" and/or value your changes, friends (maybe not yours, maybe so) can either remind you (ugh) of the "old you" or reject or even ignore the "new you." From the few I've met, I'll bet they'll go along the journey with you! What a treat!!
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