May 22nd. A day of importance in my life that I wish was not.
Today I sit in a small room at a secluded resort (I use the term resort generously) and write about my feelings one year exactly from the the day my mother died last year.
Weird. I don't know what I expected but I think it was something more than what I got. I'm not disappointed just curious as to what I really did expect today to be like. A relief of grief? A change of focus? A difference of...Feeling? I know those happen gradually but wouldn't it be so much easier if it could happen in a moment?
Last night my sister and I stood on the beach at 12: and thought about the past year. We talked about life, the changes we've made, what we want from the future. We talked about mom and that last night/week she was alive. We stood and watched the ocean at night and tried to understand where we were going to go from here. Other than back to phoenix I mean.
Samantha will probably go off to Durham and to grad school. I will....probably work at the bank until I figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We are now off to the small 'town' to have a drink in honor of our mother who usually thought that having a drink was a good fix for a lot of things, that and alka seltzer.
we'll be home in a few days and life will return to normal. or whatever normal is.
When I left phoenix, Adam told me he hoped i found what I was looking for whatever it may be.
I'm not sure if I've found anything yet, other than a righteous sunburn on my back, that will help me come to peace with what happened with mom. But maybe, I was never supposed to.
