We Follow Our Heroine...

The last few weeks have been trying.
It seems to me that the more I try to change particular things about my life the more they bite me in the butt later on. I'd like to claim that I am innocent but I must admit to being present at the helm of my own well being. I might be emotionally freaked out and oblivious but it is still me guiding my ship.

I had a wee break down last week. (I have to wonder if this has anything to do with the lack of drugs. I've been completely off of the anti-depressants for a week or so now. I don't discount this as a part of my teeny meltdown but I don't think it was the main cause.)

I don't know how much more abuse I can take on the subject of my ex. Its not that he's deliberately attacking me or even talking to me. We haven't talked since I kicked him in a sensitive area, told him to loose my number and never talk to me again. Needless to say we haven't kept up a pen pal relationship. But regardless I keep hearing things about him and about his life through other people.

I learned recently that there was a high possibility that david fathered a child while living with me. This is probably what started the blubbering and self abuse for me again. Not only did he not respect me enough to break it off with me before messing with other women but he didn't use any protection either. So much for all those people who told me not to worry about getting tested after he and I broke up.
What a terrible reason to say I told you so. (I must add that it is also probably not true after all for whatever reason. Confusing? Join the club.)

I think that it was the amount of disrespect that went into the act of his cheating that has been holding me back from somehow recovering. What did I do to deserve that kind of treatment? Why wasn't I good enough? Talk about a complex. Too fat? Not good enough in bed? Not funny enough? Or maybe its just him. Heaven forbid it has nothing to do with me. It's much to difficult to imagine that the entire situation had to do with his stupidity, immaturity, and all around sociopathic tendencies.

I think I'm tired of complaining about this subject in general. How long does it take to get over people? How long does your inner self carry the torch? Or perhaps its just that the torch that you carry gets smaller and smaller until you are eventually just carrying a lit match. I'm somewhere in between now. I know time heals all wounds but time is annoyingly slow when it comes to the subject of the heart. I wish someone would invent the 'get over your heartache quick' pill.