I am currently trying to wean myself off of the anti depressants I have been taking since before my mothers death. The idea being that I don't need the help anymore right?
This is proving to be more difficult than I thought it would be so pardon my rambling or lack of sense. Actually, that should be a disclaimer on top of my blog. 'May not make sense'
Things suck man. I have recently, after much thinking/crying realized I have an issue with men. Big surprise eh? I have had an alcoholic father (not so anymore I might add), 2 boyfriends that have cheated on me, and have witnessed a very unhealthy relationship between my mother and her pseudo boyfriend. Everybody has a problem with the opposite sex right? We all go through this kind of crap. Nobody understands the opposite sex. A known fact of life.
Now although it is not a surprise to me that women and men don't understand each other, I have come to realize that I don't understand myself when it comes to men. I have not realized how much I need men to notice me. I base a lot of how I feel about myself on how men treat me and how much attention I get from them. Have I always been this way?
In middleschool and partly though highschool, I spent a lot of time trying not to be noticed. Somewhere in the middle of highschool I started to want to be noticed.
This of course goes along with the pretty-girl/smart-girl problem that Jessay and I had. She was smart and I was pretty. Of course this implies that I was dumb and she was ugly. Great.
We have both had a difficult time seeing over these labels. Only recently have I realized that I may be on the short bus when it comes to this particular issue.
I need a lot of affirmation from the opposite sex. Maybe it has become worse more recently because of my experience with David. The cheating was, admittedly, quite a blow to the ego but it was the continued daily rejection on not only an emotional level, but a physical level that has stuck with me. I guess it is hard to understand that a person that was once so attracted to me that he convinced me to have sex in the strangest places (I won't elaborate), finds me physically unattractive and rejects physical intimacy with me on all levels. Logically I can look at the entire relationship in a whole and see that many things added up to the ending result. I was under a lot of stress, he was under a lot of stress, I was grieving, changing, etc. But the female, the woman within me, just feels the hurt of the rejection. He didn't find me sexy, attractive, or alluring at all. This might be why I jumped into the bed of the first male to make me feel truly beautiful after David and I broke up.
Since then, I think I've been looking for that feeling again. That feeling of being completely accepted physically. No comments on my weight, how much I work out, what I eat, the clothing I wear, how I do my hair, whatever. Not to say that David commented on all of these but between him and my father I certainly feel like an Orca when it comes to the weight department. Either way, the men I've been with since David have not complained about my physical appearance at all.
Conversely, I also have not been able to connect emotionally to anyone. I can go out, flirt, dance, have a good time, but I cannot give of myself. Josh says I've put a wall around my heart. Jessay says I'm protecting myself. Kim says I'm finally experiencing my twenties and having a good time. Erin called me a whore (but that's another story). Who knows what everyone else thinks. Not sure if I care.
So here I am. I can't connect emotionally to anyone or perhaps won't let myself. Screw that.
I am on the lookout for that affirmation of my physical attractiveness but won't let anyone touch my heart. It's like a strange drug addiction. Male affirmation makes me feel better but what happens when there are no men in my life? I'm stuck. So now I'm trying to wean myself off of anti depressants and male affirmation. This is difficult. I don't know how to do it. I feel my emotional growth has been retarded. I did it to myself.
2 comments:
You say, "I feel my emotional growth has been retarded."
On the contrary, everything you say indicates that you are undergoing immense emotional growth. Unfortunately, it's often not very fun.
Funky Man T
Good luck on your goal of weaning. Sadly, or on a positive note for you, you are not alone in this. Sometimes I wonder if all women at some point in their life get dependent on the affirmation or affection of another, whether boyfriend, family member, friend, or lover.
For me, I use to think I was strong, independent, & didn't care what people thought about me. And it was very scary when I realized I had somehow let myself become vulnerable and insecure because of how one person thought of me. For some reason I wanted that person's acceptance and approval, and didn't even realize it. And when that approval and acceptance looked like it was slipping away, I panicked, and became less of who I am and insecure about who I am. I thought I wasn't as attractive since HE seemed to lose interest in me. I thought maybe I'm lacking as a good friend b/c HE stopped confiding in me. I was basing my opinion of myself off of someone else's opinion of me... And frankly, I don't wish that upon anyone. It might help if they had a good opinion of ya to help boost your confidence. But it always helps more when YOU see yourself in a positive light through your own eyes.
So again, good luck on your quest. Lord knows it was a little difficult for me to do something similar after I pulled my head out of my @$$ and realized that's what I was doing.
And hopefully, by the sounds of it, you have a good friend base to back you up, but not try to do it for you. Take care. ;)
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