Skewed

I wrote this a while ago but only today (Tuesday, Feb 12th 2008) decided to finish it. It still applies...

Recently I feel as if my perception of how romantic love is supposed to work has been skewed. I've been in love before...I think. Admittedly I was head over heels for my ex but in hindsight I wonder if I was really in love with him so much as stuck in a holding pattern with the boy I had liked since high school. David and I loved each other just enough to make the both of us miserable. He was the boy I thought I wanted but when it came down to it I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I suppose I should thank him for being the total ass that he is and cheating on me so I could actually get far enough away from him to realize what I had become while I was with him and how much I did not want him anymore. I've been single and dating on and off for almost 2 years now and I’ve dated some real...err interesting men. Jason: real estate guru with a smart mouth and the biggest sparkliest watch I’ve ever seen that wanted to keep me around for fun bedroom games even though he acquired a girlfriend halfway through our friendship. Adam: a gorgeous firefighter that had the IQ of a starfish and an unending kindness but wanted me to meet his parents after the first week we were dating. Ron: Silly, brilliant and comforting to be around with a voice I could listen to for hours. Ron #2: ex NFL player and personal trainer with a quiet humor that was 20 years older than me but fantastical in bed. John: a confident and attractive phlebotomist but far too self focused to notice anyone but himself or his dog (though that damn dog was cute). An eclectic mix of personalities that I found myself drawn to for one reason or another but all carrying the same inevitable problem. Well...not their problem per say. Mostly my problem with the fact that they were all equipped with a large glaring compatibility issue. Different man, different issue but they always had one. It ranged from something as obvious as a massive age difference to something as insidiously seductive as the feeling of being needed. They all had something that made them impossible for me to mentally or emotionally attach myself to. Only recently have I realized that I was purposefully choosing men that were unavailable because they were safe. Or rather, I was safe. Safe from opening myself up to someone else that might find me lacking...as David did. As I perceived David did. When did I give that ahole so much power over me? I think it might have been a gradual thing that I adapted to over time. Like learning to drive. At first you think about every little detail and obsess about tiny things but eventually everything is second nature. If given an opportunity will I be able to step up and be vulnerable? I'd like to hope so. The other night I found myself getting nervous about the presence of particular people in my heart. What if I get hurt again? What if he's not what he seems? What if my people-picker is completely damaged? So much to worry about. I don't see any point in avoiding caring about people that I already care about. Going with the flow. Love and affection should be welcomed with open arms and heart. I will somehow channel my mother and accept the fact that there are things within my life that I can embrace rather than hide from. She would be disappointed with me if I gave up on passion.... and that’s what I want. Passion. I want passion and comfort, silliness and intellect, acceptance and affection. Not so much really.