3.29.2006
They Fade?
Sometimes I think about days gone past. Days gone so quickly that I wonder if they ever truly happened. Moments that slipped from my grasp like water through sand. Moments that I wish I could remember with more clarity and give proper respect to.
I clearly remember some of the most painful things that have ever happened to me and yet I cannot remember with any resonance the first time I saw my little sister when she came home from the hospital, or how I met some of my best friends. But I can recall with aching intensity the face of my mother in her last hours of life or the last glimpse I had of my childhood cat being taken away to be put down. Why these memories? Why not I suppose...
I've been told these memories will fade as the years pass. Somehow the thought of that bothers me. Not to say that I want to remember these things as clearly in 20 years as I do today, but to wish for them to fade away (which I must admit I had hoped for before) seems inconsiderate to myself in addition to the memories. But, then again, the mind is a funny thing. Inconsistent and unpredictable...who knows what the future has in store.
3.22.2006
MOM
Today I miss my mom. Don't misunderstand, I miss my mother everyday she's been gone but this week in particular has been difficult. I miss her laugh and the way she smirked at me when she knew I was trying to talk my way out of doing whatever difficult thing had presented itself. I miss her enthusiasm and her abundance of energy for random, seemingly boring tasks, that was usually rapidly spent after about an hour. I don't want to admit it but I even miss her crazy clothes that only she looked good in. The woman could take the weirdest of outfits and make them classy. I did not inherit that from her, though I'm pretty sure my sister did.
Mom had the weirdest clothes...things that I never would have worn even if you'd have paid me. I remember being very young, 7 or 8 maybe, and watching her get ready for a party or an outing. At that time we were living in a big house up on mummy mountain and she had this huge bathroom and closet (I always tried to search for Narnia in that closet and got griped at many a time for grubby fingerprints on walls and expensive clothes.) The closet was always a mystery to me because of the amount of clothing inside it. Of course, taking into account that I was much smaller then and the closet seemed much bigger than it probably was. Either way, mom had lots of clothes. She had cool looking sparkly blouses with little things sewn on them that she told me were called sequins. I had a great love of sequins at that point in my life because of my mom's clothes.
Every well dressed woman had accessories to go with every outfit...or at least that's what I've been told. Mom had the most interesting belts, jewelry, purses, shoes, you name it. My personal favorites included the brass belt with the dragon clasp, the bright green sling back heels with butterflies that would fade in and out depending how you turned the shoe, and the bright pink leather purse, direct from the eighties. These were never worn altogether of course.
I yearned to fill that purse with my treasures for years...was never allowed to of course.
These are things I think of when I remember my mother. The impact of a brass belt with a dragon for a clasp is tenuous at best. For me my mother was a eccentric gypsy, a selfless parent, a doer of deeds, a procrastinator to the highest degree, a mover and a shaker, and the best mom ever. I miss the fact that she's not around to nag me into vacuuming the house or to complain about the fact that I never put my laundry away. I miss her tendency to fill the entirety of our fridge with condiments so that our fridge was always full but there was never anything to eat...unless you liked margarita jelly and pickles with a side of mustard (4 different varieties to choose from).
Mom had the weirdest clothes...things that I never would have worn even if you'd have paid me. I remember being very young, 7 or 8 maybe, and watching her get ready for a party or an outing. At that time we were living in a big house up on mummy mountain and she had this huge bathroom and closet (I always tried to search for Narnia in that closet and got griped at many a time for grubby fingerprints on walls and expensive clothes.) The closet was always a mystery to me because of the amount of clothing inside it. Of course, taking into account that I was much smaller then and the closet seemed much bigger than it probably was. Either way, mom had lots of clothes. She had cool looking sparkly blouses with little things sewn on them that she told me were called sequins. I had a great love of sequins at that point in my life because of my mom's clothes.
Every well dressed woman had accessories to go with every outfit...or at least that's what I've been told. Mom had the most interesting belts, jewelry, purses, shoes, you name it. My personal favorites included the brass belt with the dragon clasp, the bright green sling back heels with butterflies that would fade in and out depending how you turned the shoe, and the bright pink leather purse, direct from the eighties. These were never worn altogether of course.
I yearned to fill that purse with my treasures for years...was never allowed to of course.
These are things I think of when I remember my mother. The impact of a brass belt with a dragon for a clasp is tenuous at best. For me my mother was a eccentric gypsy, a selfless parent, a doer of deeds, a procrastinator to the highest degree, a mover and a shaker, and the best mom ever. I miss the fact that she's not around to nag me into vacuuming the house or to complain about the fact that I never put my laundry away. I miss her tendency to fill the entirety of our fridge with condiments so that our fridge was always full but there was never anything to eat...unless you liked margarita jelly and pickles with a side of mustard (4 different varieties to choose from).
3.01.2006
With Random Purpose: As Per Request...
How many of us search for acceptance in our lives? Whether through work, family, lovelife, friendship, or a multitude of other reasons, many of us are looking for acceptance for who we are. This has recently hit closer to home for me because of a betrayal of trust from someone I held very close to my heart. But for all the pain it caused, the betrayal went deeper for it showed me apart of myself that I had not seen, or perhaps, refused to see. I had, on some level, betrayed myself.
I once heard it said that the things we hate most about other people are usually things that we hate most in ourselves. Looking at the people I have chosen to keep within my nucleus of friendship, I realize that I have underestimated myself and my need for acceptance and affirmation. This is not something I admire about myself nor wish to deal with in other people. But ironically I have never noticed how much I require from the people in my life. This leads me to wonder how I became as needy as I am. Why am i so afraid that people I love will leave me? Did it spring from highschool? Grade school? My parents? I could blame a multitude of sources for a problem that, regardless from whence it came, is still an issue I must deal with and realize within myself.
To such an end, I must confess I have no idea how to accomplish such a feat. At this moment in my life I am trying to discover if there is another me that I can be.
I am experimenting with many things in my life to see what fits. It seems that for a very long time I have been too scared to try some of the things I've wanted to do. Fear of a lack of acceptance, or rejection has stopped me in my tracks too many times to count. My resolve has wavered like a mirage in the desert and like the mirage, disappeared upon getting closer to my goal (whatever it might have been at the time.)
My time is now for me. There are no distractions to put in the way in order to hide from rejection. I have been rejected by the man (perhaps boy?) i thought I loved and I have survived. I have dealt with the loss of my mother and the emptiness that goes with it and I am still surviving. I have tried to make myself a victim in one form or another and it feels false. Though I have lately been attempting to find any reason I can to avoid dealing with myself, there is no time left.
I have recently done things that the old me would not have thought of doing. Dated men I didn't know in Highschool (heaven forbid), had a fling with a man I hadn't known for very long and enjoyed it immensely for what it was, been to clubs and danced for hours without a care for how terrible i might have looked on the dance floor, had a few too many drinks and been quite thankful I had a toilet to go home to. I distinctly remember, on the night of my mothers birthday, declaring loudly to my close friends that I would never have salami and red wine together again as i was bent over the toilet at 3 in the morning evacuating said items from my stomach. Ah memories.
But I am not these actions. I am a person who has hidden from these actions
as a way to stay safe. But I must now realize that I am more than simply what I do on the weekend or what I choose to spontaneously throw myself into.
There are things I want to do. Things that are important to my growth as an individual and a step in the right direction toward accepting myself for who I am.
"I deserve, we all deserve, to be accepted for who we are and to have a person that we accept whole heartedly" Having written this recently, I think I need to modify this in regard to myself. I need to accept myself before I find a person to accept me. How can I expect another person to accept things within me that I myself will not recognize as truth? If I have learned anything from my mothers death, it is that life is far too short to make a pretense of.
[That is what is going on in my mind David. Well, at least for now and on that particular subject. Enlightenling? Disappointing? Boring?]
I once heard it said that the things we hate most about other people are usually things that we hate most in ourselves. Looking at the people I have chosen to keep within my nucleus of friendship, I realize that I have underestimated myself and my need for acceptance and affirmation. This is not something I admire about myself nor wish to deal with in other people. But ironically I have never noticed how much I require from the people in my life. This leads me to wonder how I became as needy as I am. Why am i so afraid that people I love will leave me? Did it spring from highschool? Grade school? My parents? I could blame a multitude of sources for a problem that, regardless from whence it came, is still an issue I must deal with and realize within myself.
To such an end, I must confess I have no idea how to accomplish such a feat. At this moment in my life I am trying to discover if there is another me that I can be.
I am experimenting with many things in my life to see what fits. It seems that for a very long time I have been too scared to try some of the things I've wanted to do. Fear of a lack of acceptance, or rejection has stopped me in my tracks too many times to count. My resolve has wavered like a mirage in the desert and like the mirage, disappeared upon getting closer to my goal (whatever it might have been at the time.)
My time is now for me. There are no distractions to put in the way in order to hide from rejection. I have been rejected by the man (perhaps boy?) i thought I loved and I have survived. I have dealt with the loss of my mother and the emptiness that goes with it and I am still surviving. I have tried to make myself a victim in one form or another and it feels false. Though I have lately been attempting to find any reason I can to avoid dealing with myself, there is no time left.
I have recently done things that the old me would not have thought of doing. Dated men I didn't know in Highschool (heaven forbid), had a fling with a man I hadn't known for very long and enjoyed it immensely for what it was, been to clubs and danced for hours without a care for how terrible i might have looked on the dance floor, had a few too many drinks and been quite thankful I had a toilet to go home to. I distinctly remember, on the night of my mothers birthday, declaring loudly to my close friends that I would never have salami and red wine together again as i was bent over the toilet at 3 in the morning evacuating said items from my stomach. Ah memories.
But I am not these actions. I am a person who has hidden from these actions
as a way to stay safe. But I must now realize that I am more than simply what I do on the weekend or what I choose to spontaneously throw myself into.
There are things I want to do. Things that are important to my growth as an individual and a step in the right direction toward accepting myself for who I am.
"I deserve, we all deserve, to be accepted for who we are and to have a person that we accept whole heartedly" Having written this recently, I think I need to modify this in regard to myself. I need to accept myself before I find a person to accept me. How can I expect another person to accept things within me that I myself will not recognize as truth? If I have learned anything from my mothers death, it is that life is far too short to make a pretense of.
[That is what is going on in my mind David. Well, at least for now and on that particular subject. Enlightenling? Disappointing? Boring?]
2.14.2006
Companionship or Compatibility?
I have recently begun to wonder which is more important:
Companionship or Compatibility. When our search for another person is driven enough, what are we willing to sacrifice within ourselves in order to achieve a compatible healthy relationship? There is a certain amount of give and take to any coexistence between two people. One might ignore an annoying trait within a partner because, on the whole, the partner is a good fit, so to speak. But when does it become too much. When do we start to ignore large glaring, perhaps negative, personality traits for the sake of companionship?
The world, or rather society, teaches us that it is good to be self reliant, self sufficient, self sustaining...Without need of another person. I feel this view is unrealistic and unkind. Though no person should be completely reliant on another (excluding children, people with mental incapacity, etc.) it should be a normal feeling to want to share the everyday mundane with another person. This need to be completely unneeding of any other entity is unnatural. Most cultures throughout history have acknowledged the need for human companionship in one form or another. People grouped together in tribes, villages, communes, even cults in order to maintain human contact. Those who were outcast or chose isolation in one form or another, often had emotional and mental repercussions.
Perhaps it is Valentines Day that makes me think this way. Singlehood looming over many of us makes this holiday feel like a farce and a depressing tradition. How do those of us that are not connected with a companion deal with the world at large on days such as these? Days that put into keen focus the dichotomy that society pushes on all of us. Be self reliant but not alone.
This in itself has made me realize that to be human is to want a companion. But while I may want a companion I have realized I am not willing to give up on the ideal of compatibility. I deserve, we all deserve, to be accepted for who we are and to have a person that we accept whole heartedly. The need to have a companion should not outweigh the need for compatibility within a companion.
Companionship or Compatibility. When our search for another person is driven enough, what are we willing to sacrifice within ourselves in order to achieve a compatible healthy relationship? There is a certain amount of give and take to any coexistence between two people. One might ignore an annoying trait within a partner because, on the whole, the partner is a good fit, so to speak. But when does it become too much. When do we start to ignore large glaring, perhaps negative, personality traits for the sake of companionship?
The world, or rather society, teaches us that it is good to be self reliant, self sufficient, self sustaining...Without need of another person. I feel this view is unrealistic and unkind. Though no person should be completely reliant on another (excluding children, people with mental incapacity, etc.) it should be a normal feeling to want to share the everyday mundane with another person. This need to be completely unneeding of any other entity is unnatural. Most cultures throughout history have acknowledged the need for human companionship in one form or another. People grouped together in tribes, villages, communes, even cults in order to maintain human contact. Those who were outcast or chose isolation in one form or another, often had emotional and mental repercussions.
Perhaps it is Valentines Day that makes me think this way. Singlehood looming over many of us makes this holiday feel like a farce and a depressing tradition. How do those of us that are not connected with a companion deal with the world at large on days such as these? Days that put into keen focus the dichotomy that society pushes on all of us. Be self reliant but not alone.
This in itself has made me realize that to be human is to want a companion. But while I may want a companion I have realized I am not willing to give up on the ideal of compatibility. I deserve, we all deserve, to be accepted for who we are and to have a person that we accept whole heartedly. The need to have a companion should not outweigh the need for compatibility within a companion.
2.10.2006
Loneliness
Can there be true loneliness? How does a person define the act of being lonely. Without other people? Without interaction of intelligent or otherwise emotional viewpoints from another living being...This I cannot conceive.
Certain events in a persons life can lead to a sense of loneliness. The death of a loved one or a separation from another can give a person a feeling of being lonely.
I have heard people say, at one time or another, that they can feel lonely in a room packed with people. The idea of loneliness is confusing and hard to wrap ones mind around.
Consider the option then, that loneliness is a particular longing for one exact person or persons. The feeling of aloneness that comes from yearning for one person only. Seeing it this way, why do we long for that one person? What purpose or fulfillment came only from that person and that person only? How is it that with all these people around us everywhere we go, some of us remain feeling a sense of loss.
Perhaps then, one can try to reset or reboot their thinking. How to be without the people that cause the feelings of loneliness. Learing to be complete, or at least at home, in oneself without others may be a cure to this lonely feeling.
Then again, there is nothing rational and logical about human emotion. Love, anger, lust, loneliness...These cannot be rationalized. Instead, we try to remain normal(whatever that may be) and continue on to bigger and better things...But that in itself brings into focus another feeling without boundaries. Hope.
Certain events in a persons life can lead to a sense of loneliness. The death of a loved one or a separation from another can give a person a feeling of being lonely.
I have heard people say, at one time or another, that they can feel lonely in a room packed with people. The idea of loneliness is confusing and hard to wrap ones mind around.
Consider the option then, that loneliness is a particular longing for one exact person or persons. The feeling of aloneness that comes from yearning for one person only. Seeing it this way, why do we long for that one person? What purpose or fulfillment came only from that person and that person only? How is it that with all these people around us everywhere we go, some of us remain feeling a sense of loss.
Perhaps then, one can try to reset or reboot their thinking. How to be without the people that cause the feelings of loneliness. Learing to be complete, or at least at home, in oneself without others may be a cure to this lonely feeling.
Then again, there is nothing rational and logical about human emotion. Love, anger, lust, loneliness...These cannot be rationalized. Instead, we try to remain normal(whatever that may be) and continue on to bigger and better things...But that in itself brings into focus another feeling without boundaries. Hope.
2.09.2006
The Course
Everything in life is on a direct course to something. Sometimes the course may be twisty and full of road blocks, making the course difficult to find, but it is always direct. The focus for the future is and has always been tenuous and blocked by the here and now, feeding the course of life with obstacles and events that may confuse and discourage a soul. Without a challenge, and perhaps a dose of pain, we may never fully appreciate the path that we are on and how we became the people we are. This is life. Life is painful and difficult to look upon at times forcing the bravest of souls to cower under its overwhelming might. We live on.
This is what we all must continue to learn.
This is what we all must continue to learn.
2.08.2006
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