Laziness

I need to rant about being single...and sex.  So if you don't want to hear about sex then this is your warning to stop reading.   

I know its annoying but it's needed every once and awhile for cathartic release.  I am not happy with my current state of singledom but i find myself unwilling and unable to put up with crapola from men.  I don't mean the i'm a guy and i love sports and cars and fighting and i dont talk about my feelings crapola.  What I'm talking about is the laziness that comes with intimacy and men.  For example (like i wasn't going to have an example to point out the idiocy of the men in my life) i am friends/friends with benefits with a couple men.  I seem to cull male friends from my ex lovers and typically we can transition nicely to sexual relationship to non sexual relationship. The hazard being that its easy to fall back into bed when one or both parties are feeling lonely. Which i am right now.   But that issue aside (i will come back to that later) it is frustrating dealing with the ego that comes with men in the bedroom.  I cannot count how many times i have heard 'you just need to be with a man who knows what he's doing' or 'oh baby, i go all night long' or my favorite 'I'm not like other men'.  WTF?  All of these men lied.  They lied directly to my face and did it without any kind of hesitation.  

Now i guess i should explain that i am not an easy O.  (Easy O meaning easy orgasm, hard O hard to get to orgasm...you get the idea) I am in that frustrating percentage of women that do not, or have not as of yet, have orgasms during sex(orgasms.  plural.  I'd settle for just one at this point).  I have had an orgasm before but never during intercourse. Stimulation of some variety or another is needed at some point to get me to that wonderful afterglow feeling.  So vibrating toys, fingers, or some kind of oral stimulation is the extra step that is required for me to reach orgasmic state.  Usually before i have sex my partner will know what's up with me and thus i get the 'you just haven't been with the right man' comments that i cherish so dearly.   Most of the men i've been with thus far have uttered some kind of iteration of this phrase at some point.  Ooo baby I'll make you feel good.  I call shenanigans on all of these men.  

I have only had one or two lovers in my 29 years that have actually measured up to the comments that they have made.  They say its all about me and surprisingly enough, it was.  This is very very very very unusual though.  Atypical i would even say.

I'll give a for instance:  Its a tuesday evening and i get a call.  Its Horatio (what? its possible i know someone named Horatio) and he wants to come over and 'hang out'.  What he means by this is that he wants to come over and have sex with me and then sleep in my bed.   And sex usually means 2 minutes of psuedo foreplay and then  i get flipped over and he will go at it for another 5 minutes and then shazaam, its over.  Sex completed.  The worst thing about this whole scenario is that Horatio has in the past been able to give me an orgasm orally.  We've known each other for a year or so and its happened twice.  We've had sex upwards of 30 times since we've met and i've had an orgasm 2 times.  HE gets to have one every single time we have sex but i get to have one every 6 months.  Awesome.  

Perhaps the worst part about this issue is that its consistent with all men.  As long as they get where they were going they could care less about who else is along for the ride.   I am so done with this.  I've reached the end of my tether with this kind of bull crap behavior.  Don't get me wrong, i truly enjoy sex, but i do not enjoy feeling as if my needs are not important.  I like to have sex and i do not, under any circumstances, NEED to have an orgasm every time i have sex.  I like being close to someone and knowing that i am adding pleasure to their life.  At this point i'd be satisfied with more than 3 times a year.  3 TIMES A YEAR!  I should not need to go home after an intimate evening with a guy and bust out my vibrator because he was too lazy to go the extra mile.  

Women are all different and we are difficult to please.  I get it.  I really do.  Men, I know that its frustrating that the tricks that work on one woman do not work for another.  But, and i cannot stress this enough, i don't care anymore.  I want to be with a man who gives a hoot whether i'm satisfied or not.  The dangerous part of this issue is that i walk away feeling as if I'm just not worth the time or energy.  I believe the feeling is called used.  I realize (and truly believe) that these men do not intend for me to feel this way but they don't make any effort to change their behavior so i start to fall into the mental blackhole that makes me think 'maybe i'm just not important'.    

I mentioned earlier that i am feeling lonely.  This is somewhat false as i am not lonely for company so much as i'm tired of being single.  Loneliness is hazardous.  I yearn for a relationship with a man that wants to spend time with me and wants to add joy and pleasure to my life.  I know these men exist but i haven't found one as of yet.  So this leaves me with the idiots that continue to make no more effort than a periodic phone call and the gas it takes to drive to where i am.  The interludes last no more than a few hours (perhaps a few more if we add in sleeping time) and i'm back to feeling used and unimportant.  

I need to start insisting on better behavior from my lovers.  Affection and respect shouldn't be exclusive to relationship status but apparently they are. So now i'm learning to say no to random sex and thats difficult for me.  I like being intimate.  The noises, the sensations, the closeness, the fun....  all hard for me to say no to.  But i guess I've gotten to the point that i want more.  More of everything.  Which means i need to say no to the random 'more' from X or Y guy who springs into existence periodically.  I suck at saying no...but i guess i need to say no so i can say yes to something better.  Looking out for ones own future is poopy.  

2009 has started. Its only been a few days but it already seems like things might be looking up. Decisions made, outlook renewed, things to look forward to and whatnot. But aside from all this there's a clean slate feeling to this year. I ended last year smoothly and without incident with a mellow and quiet christmas in hawaii with my sister. The trip was almost offensively exspensive if i factor in meals and my lack of willpower when it comes to surfer chick fashion. But we finally did the last thing that needed to be done for our parents. We spread (dumped?) the rest of our mother's ashes at a quiet secluded beach behind a park in Haliewa on Oahu. But somehow in the last 3 years i had managed to get used to her being on the top shelf of my bookcase. Its not as if i ever truly thought that her ashes were her but rather what she once was. Her presence there symbolized the last step to my final acceptance with her being gone...and after papa died it was acceptance for both of them. So she's now in Hawaii. I have this image in my head of those moments...i gave my sister the container of ashes and she poured them gently into the water. We had chosen that particular beach entirely on accident but it was surprisingly perfect and the weather was being generous and giving us non windyness (blow back with parental remains was not something either of us wanted to deal with in therapy). I didnt know before a few weeks ago but human remains have a denser texture, more like sand than ashes. There were some slightly larger bone fragments, no bigger than a AA battery but big enough to notice. My sister reached down into the water and picked out one of the fragments. I will forever remember the odd feeling of watching my sister, the osteologist, holding a piece of my mothers bone in her fingers. She had a strange mixture of expressions on her face. Half slightly frustrated concentration as the anthropologist in her was trying to identify what she was holding exactly and half careful concern while the daughter in her was realizing that the bone in her hand was the last part of our mother she could tangibly touch. Then she bent back down and put it back in the water and my mother went out with the tide. It was how it needed to be.