Skewed

I wrote this a while ago but only today (Tuesday, Feb 12th 2008) decided to finish it. It still applies...

Recently I feel as if my perception of how romantic love is supposed to work has been skewed. I've been in love before...I think. Admittedly I was head over heels for my ex but in hindsight I wonder if I was really in love with him so much as stuck in a holding pattern with the boy I had liked since high school. David and I loved each other just enough to make the both of us miserable. He was the boy I thought I wanted but when it came down to it I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I suppose I should thank him for being the total ass that he is and cheating on me so I could actually get far enough away from him to realize what I had become while I was with him and how much I did not want him anymore. I've been single and dating on and off for almost 2 years now and I’ve dated some real...err interesting men. Jason: real estate guru with a smart mouth and the biggest sparkliest watch I’ve ever seen that wanted to keep me around for fun bedroom games even though he acquired a girlfriend halfway through our friendship. Adam: a gorgeous firefighter that had the IQ of a starfish and an unending kindness but wanted me to meet his parents after the first week we were dating. Ron: Silly, brilliant and comforting to be around with a voice I could listen to for hours. Ron #2: ex NFL player and personal trainer with a quiet humor that was 20 years older than me but fantastical in bed. John: a confident and attractive phlebotomist but far too self focused to notice anyone but himself or his dog (though that damn dog was cute). An eclectic mix of personalities that I found myself drawn to for one reason or another but all carrying the same inevitable problem. Well...not their problem per say. Mostly my problem with the fact that they were all equipped with a large glaring compatibility issue. Different man, different issue but they always had one. It ranged from something as obvious as a massive age difference to something as insidiously seductive as the feeling of being needed. They all had something that made them impossible for me to mentally or emotionally attach myself to. Only recently have I realized that I was purposefully choosing men that were unavailable because they were safe. Or rather, I was safe. Safe from opening myself up to someone else that might find me lacking...as David did. As I perceived David did. When did I give that ahole so much power over me? I think it might have been a gradual thing that I adapted to over time. Like learning to drive. At first you think about every little detail and obsess about tiny things but eventually everything is second nature. If given an opportunity will I be able to step up and be vulnerable? I'd like to hope so. The other night I found myself getting nervous about the presence of particular people in my heart. What if I get hurt again? What if he's not what he seems? What if my people-picker is completely damaged? So much to worry about. I don't see any point in avoiding caring about people that I already care about. Going with the flow. Love and affection should be welcomed with open arms and heart. I will somehow channel my mother and accept the fact that there are things within my life that I can embrace rather than hide from. She would be disappointed with me if I gave up on passion.... and that’s what I want. Passion. I want passion and comfort, silliness and intellect, acceptance and affection. Not so much really.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.
I don't think i like this statement. In fact, i would really like to have a few moments alone with the person who came up with this annoying turn of phrase. What the hell is it supposed to mean anyway? I could cut off one of my arms and, if it didn't kill me, i sure as hell don't think it would make me any stronger than i was with 2 arms. Although i might have one really really strong arm after awhile. But either way, I would probably just wonder for the rest of my life why the hell I cut off my own freaking arm in the first place.
I realize that this statement is based on the concept of being able to carry the baggage that we all have and learn from it. You get through the trials and hardships that life pitches at you and come out a stronger person for it. Well poo on that. I feel that personally, although I have many problems and issues to look forward to, I have learned enough lessons for now and have enough reason to want said lessons to stop for awhile. I want to get off the bus now. Hell, I'll even ride the short bus for a bit if it means that i don't have to get any stronger just yet.
Maybe there is a reason that certain people learn certain lessons before other people do. If there is, can someone please drop me a line and tell me why. Its not as if I would like any of the people I know and love to go through the same life experiences that I have, but sometimes it would be nice to know that I'm not playing this thrilling game of life with weighted dice or a stacked deck. I suppose that life is just a crap shoot and we all get whatever is rolled regardless of the dice. Life is like a box of chocolates. Ya never know what you're gonna get...unless you go through the box and poke the bottoms of all the chocolates so that you know what you are gonna get.

Its funny how dramatically life can change in the space of one breath. If you had asked me 5 years ago what i thought my life would look like today, i wouldn't have thought that it would resemble what it is now. If i look back, i can see hints and signs of what the future held. At the time, i chose to ignore anything that was scary or incomprehensible to my universe regardless of what impact it would create later on. Not unlike driving by a guy holding a sign saying 'the end is near'. As the world is ending a lot of people will have a clear memory of that guy and think 'why didn't i listen?'.

I have, thus far, survived the loss of both my parents to disease, either of the body or the mind. I had the best parents ever. They made me what i am today and though some may argue, myself included, that what i am is not perfect and unacceptable at times, i have to believe that this is the way things were supposed to go. This is the person i am with all the baggage that goes along with being me. I carry it with pride and sometimes with the a little help from my friends and sister. Though i have made huge mistakes in the past and likely will make many more, i have hope that someday my sister and i will figure out what all this loss is for. We are a tiny ragged army that has fought many hard won battles but we are both still here.
Together.